YOU’RE SORRY I’M UPSET? YOU’RE SORRY I’M UPSET? HERE’S A CRAZY THOUGHT: WHY DON’T YOU TRY BEING SORRY THAT YOU’RE AN INSENSITIVE SHITHEAD WHO DOESN’T THINK BEFORE HE OPENS HIS MOUTH? WHY DON’T YOU TRY BEING SORRY YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO BE TACTFUL, OR TENDER, EVER? HOW ABOUT YOU JUST APOLOGIZE FOR BEING A COMPLETE DICK 85% OF THE TIME, TO EVERYONE, BECAUSE YOU’RE AN EMOTIONALLY STUNTED MAN-CHILD CAREENING THROUGH LIFE LIKE A PSYCHIC WRECKING BALL, SOMEHOW DELUDED INTO THINKING YOUR BULLSHIT IS ‘CHARMING’ OR ‘FUNNY’? THOSE ARE A FEW THINGS YOU MIGHT WANT TO TRY BEING SORRY ABOUT BEFORE YOU APOLOGIZE FOR MY COMPLETELY JUSTIFIED REACTIONS TO YOUR BEHAVIOR, ASSHOLE.
JUST GO AWAY BEFORE I ‘OVERREACT’ TO WHATEVER GARBAGE IS ABOUT TO COME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH.
WHEN’S THE LAST TIME WE WERE INTIMATE? WELL, YOU’D HAVE TO DEFINE ‘INTIMATE’ FOR ME, DOC. I’M NOT SURE I REMEMBER WHAT THAT MEANS.
HE KNOWS WHAT IT MEANS, DOCTOR. HE’S TRYING TO BE FUNNY. HE THINKS HE’S VERY CLEVER.
IT’S ACTUALLY A DEFENSE MECHANISM, DOC. I HAD TO DEVELOP IT TO SURVIVE IN THE TUNDRA, WHICH IS WHAT I CALL OUR BEDROOM DUE TO THEIR SIMILAR ENVIRONMENTAL CONDITIONS.
DO YOU SEE WHAT I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH, DOCTOR? WHO CAN BE INTIMATE IN THE FACE OF SUCH BEHAVIOR?
YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE INTIMATE WITH MY FACE, SHERRY. I CAN THINK OF SEVERAL OTHER BODY PARTS YOU COULD START WITH. I’M SURE THE DOCTOR HAS A CHART SOMEWHERE YOU COULD LOOK AT, IF YOU’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT THEY ARE. RIGHT, DOC?
DOCTOR, PLEASE TELL HIM, CLINICALLY, THAT HE IS NOT FUNNY.
SPEAKING OF NOT FUNNY, DOC, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SEX LIFE THESE PAST FEW YEARS?
IT’S LIKE BEING MARRIED TO A CHILD.
WHY CAN’T YOU WALK IN A STRAIGHT LINE? SERIOUSLY. IT’S RIDICULOUS.
MAYBE I JUST WANT TO BE CLOSE TO YOU. BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.
MAYBE YOU HAVE AN INNER EAR DISORDER.
MAYBE I HAVE A SUPER SENSITIVE INNER EAR AND I CAN HEAR YOUR HEART BEATING. FOR ME. BECAUSE YOU LOVE ME.
ARE YOU RETARDED?
YES. FOR YOU.
PLEASE WALK STRAIGHT.
NEVER.
WOW, ERIN. FANCY MEETING YOU HERE. ROUGH NIGHT, HUH? COME ON, GET UP. THE TEAM-BUILDING SEMINAR IS IN AN HOUR. DON’T WANT TO MISS THAT.
PLEASE STOP TALKING.
PRESCOTT TOLKEIN? IS HE RELATED TO J.R.R. TOLKEIN, FAMOUS FANTASY AUTHOR? WILL HE BE AT THE SEMINAR?
… GO AWAY.
GET KUWAIT? WHERE IS IT? STILL BY IRAQ, I’D ASSUME. WHAT DO YOU WANT IT FOR?
WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
WORCESTERSHIRE PROM GOWN? THAT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE ANY SENSE, ERIN. YOU PROBABLY JUST NEED SOME TEAM-BUILDING TO CLEAR THE COBWEBS OUT OF THAT BRAIN OF YOURS.
YOU ARE THE WORST COWORKER I’VE EVER HAD. I MEAN THAT.
I MAY BE THE WELSH CO OWNER OF EDGAR’S HAND, ARMENIA, BUT YOU’RE STILL GOING TO BE LATE. GET UP. LET’S GET YOU SOME COFFEE.
